One day, One life

Through the past week I have come to the realization that I am really struggling.  I was talking to a friend about this experience with a friend and I can say I’m doing my job, and doing it well, taking care of business, going out with friends and largely high-functioning, but I like the words she used to describe my experience.  She said, “yes, but you’re not thriving.”  Exactly, I’m beginning to drown.  

I have been down this road many times before, having been working through a 7 year journey with depression.  It begins with upset stomach, fatigue, loss of interest in activities, loneliness, a reeling mind, and a sense it will never get better.  Thankfully I have resources to help me maneuver through this time with grace and confidence in the person I know I am and have been created to be.  I am a thriving person, I have a lot to offer at work and to those I love.  I am not one to do the minimum just to get by, but I strive for excellence and improvement in everything I do.  This is often motivated by a lie that whatever I have to do, “is not good enough.”  But on the other hand, my happy-healthy self knows this is because I have much more than a half-assed effort to offer.  

Yes I am overwhelmed by big assignments looming overhead that will be over with soon (within 10 days), and I have to keep myself disciplined and focused in this stressful time.  I have to work extra hard against my weaknesses to access the healthy motivation that enables me to do these projects well. 

In this time I take great consolation in the Christian Scriptures because I can remember that though I have moments of weakness, of fear, anxiety, depression, self-hate, and struggle I can remember that at the core I am created by a loving God.  At the core of who I am, these afflictions are not a representation of my true-self, but merely symptoms of a broken existence.  I am studying the book of 2 Corinthians and in the 12th chapter Paul writes, “Three times I appealed to the Lord about this (affliction), that it would leave me,  9 but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”

I do not quote this to say that God has given me depression and weaknesses in order to show how powerful God is, but that God has given me the grace I need to endure the symptoms of depression, the resources I need to recover from depression and the hope I need to see past depression.  It is true, in times when I struggle, I rely more on the grace of God and the hope that I have in the promises of God.  It is a great temptation in my moments of achievement and power to forget that those accomplishments are just as much a grace from God, as the will to get up in the morning when I am depressed.  The spiritual life is not one of perpetual happiness, luck and benefits but a long road of tough decisions and hard work.