One day, One life

Through the past week I have come to the realization that I am really struggling.  I was talking to a friend about this experience with a friend and I can say I’m doing my job, and doing it well, taking care of business, going out with friends and largely high-functioning, but I like the words she used to describe my experience.  She said, “yes, but you’re not thriving.”  Exactly, I’m beginning to drown.  

I have been down this road many times before, having been working through a 7 year journey with depression.  It begins with upset stomach, fatigue, loss of interest in activities, loneliness, a reeling mind, and a sense it will never get better.  Thankfully I have resources to help me maneuver through this time with grace and confidence in the person I know I am and have been created to be.  I am a thriving person, I have a lot to offer at work and to those I love.  I am not one to do the minimum just to get by, but I strive for excellence and improvement in everything I do.  This is often motivated by a lie that whatever I have to do, “is not good enough.”  But on the other hand, my happy-healthy self knows this is because I have much more than a half-assed effort to offer.  

Yes I am overwhelmed by big assignments looming overhead that will be over with soon (within 10 days), and I have to keep myself disciplined and focused in this stressful time.  I have to work extra hard against my weaknesses to access the healthy motivation that enables me to do these projects well. 

In this time I take great consolation in the Christian Scriptures because I can remember that though I have moments of weakness, of fear, anxiety, depression, self-hate, and struggle I can remember that at the core I am created by a loving God.  At the core of who I am, these afflictions are not a representation of my true-self, but merely symptoms of a broken existence.  I am studying the book of 2 Corinthians and in the 12th chapter Paul writes, “Three times I appealed to the Lord about this (affliction), that it would leave me,  9 but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”

I do not quote this to say that God has given me depression and weaknesses in order to show how powerful God is, but that God has given me the grace I need to endure the symptoms of depression, the resources I need to recover from depression and the hope I need to see past depression.  It is true, in times when I struggle, I rely more on the grace of God and the hope that I have in the promises of God.  It is a great temptation in my moments of achievement and power to forget that those accomplishments are just as much a grace from God, as the will to get up in the morning when I am depressed.  The spiritual life is not one of perpetual happiness, luck and benefits but a long road of tough decisions and hard work.  

I have finally passed my final examination for the Ordination process in the PC(USA).  I have now graduated from my Master’s program at Fuller and passed all of the preliminary examinations to move forward into the final evaluation phase before ordination. 

This means that after my final evaluation I can apply for ministry positions that are for ordained clergy, when I find a position that is calling me for ordained ministry then I will have a service for Ordination through my local church and presbytery and a service of installation at the location at which I will be ministering.  

This will be a very eventful year as I will be looking for a ministry position that I will be able to commit more than 6 months or a year to because that will be my full-time job.  I will not have seminary or part-time barista gigs to divide my time.  My prayer is to be ordained as a clergy member for a community hospital and a community congregation.  I feel called to the medical mission field but still desire to maintain close contact, relationships, education and spiritual formation within a local congregation.  This part-time/full-time dream is not something that is readily available so prayers would be greatly appreciated as I continue to pursue God’s calling in my life.   

Your prayers and encouragement have been absolutely invaluable over the past 13 years, (yes it’s true).  Thank you all and Glory be to God.  ~Amen

  This image is supposed to represent “creation care”, but for me it is a representation of Creator’s care.  This past week has been a roller-coaster of emotions, decisions, questions, prayers and experiences.  From waiting on the edge of my seat to be approved for an apartment to the anticipation of the best craigslist furniture find, I have held on to the promises of God that he will take care of me and all of my needs.  Monday I moved into a cosy apartment, and I have been greeted by friendly neighbors and begun to settle into the new neighborhood that will be home for the next year.  This same day I was invited to see a Hawaiian documentary about the Hawaiian men who colonized the Jarvis, Baker and Howland islands just before WWII.  The next few days were filled with settling into my new place and trying to prepare some for my upcoming Ordination exam.  I connected with a local Young Adult group Thursday and was blessed by their hospitality, aloha and friendships.  Everything from a safe respite, to spiritual support has been provided and put into motion.  I am so grateful and I believe that I will be much better prepared now to serve the patients through PHM because of these gifts and blessings.  

I am getting gradually more excited, more nervous, and more worried about my upcoming move to Honolulu.  My bags are packed (about 80% there), tickets bought, I have a temporary stay, but I’m still looking for a place to call home.  

Saying goodbye has been hard.  I cant begin to express how much I will miss my dear friends who have been with me through the last few years.  They have been such a gift, and I hope they know how much I love and appreciate each one of them.  They have been the hands, feet, voices, and shoulders of God as we have journeyed through life together.  I have laughed and cried more this last year than any other time in my life, and I owe much of that to them, in the most honest and loving way.  

For those of you in Honolulu (and surrounding area), I do look forward to meeting you, hearing your stories, seeing God working in and through you.  I trust and believe that though I love the ones I will be leaving behind, I will be blessed by you and the beautiful people you are.  

Here are some the thoughts that go through my head regularly.

1) Where will my new coffee-spot be?  

2) Are there any good places to eat (that I will be able to afford)? 

3) I hope to find some friends to hike and kayak with.

4) I pray I find a good small group to be part of. 

A good reminder the other day. 

My Mom was over and she said she had been praying for me. She said she asked God two questions.. 

a) Is this your will, for Jessica to move so far away?   (and)

b) Is she going to be okay?

To these questions there was an overwhelming response “Yes!” and assurance that I was going where God was calling me and that God was going to take good care of me.  I honestly want to cry every time I think about this.  Because, even though this looks good on the surface, it is hard to know and believe that everything is really going to be okay.  I have had similar significant opportunities become heartbreaking experiences in the past and it is hard to lean out into the unknown with that weighing you down.  

Well, there you have it, thoughts for the day.  What I hope to do is write a post every 1-2 weeks with updates on work, life, and spiritual musings along the way.  

Afternoon Tumblr’s

Last week I was relaxing, swimming, diving, and reveling in the beauty of Kahana, Maui.  Surrounded by family and many friends we enjoyed the fruits of the earth and the joys of life.  

We stayed at a cozy, down-to-earth time-share with 25 other friends and loved all the activities and bar-b-que’s we shared.  And a little piece of Aloha began to grow inside me.  No, not a love-child! But aloha in the general sense :)  I bought my one-way ticket last night to Honolulu, HI to begin my 12 month journey into the community, culture and challenges of the island.  While in Maui, I found myself comforted by the pace of life, the rural landscape and all the island had to offer.  The people were generous and kind and not just because we were paying-tourists.  It seemed that those we met were generally happy where they were, who they were and what was happening around them.  

Granted, I know and anticipate a steep learning-curve as I transition from tourist to haole.  And I have no disillusionment that coming from Southern California will give me any advantage in the transition.  Nevertheless, this time is significant.  Moving is huge.  Packing is exhausting, planning is anxiety-provoking and saying goodbye is hard.  

I am still trying to balance my time in these last few days.  It seems impossible to do everything I want to do before I leave, and that is probably just reality.  I anticipate a lot of loneliness and heartache as I adjust to a new city, state, and location in the middle of the Pacific.  I am praying for new friends, and a new church community who will welcome me and partner with me in ministry.  And so, that’s what’s on my heart and mind.  My two greatest prayer requests are affordable housing and my own spiritual support network of Church and friends.  I have been taken care of in so many ways so far, and I do trust God to continue to provide in these ways.  But the time in-between is challenging.  

Thanks for joining in the journey.  

Hello Tumbler 

I wanted to introduce myself in this new chapter of my life.  I have just finished a Master’s program and I’m moving to the beautiful island of O’ahu to serve as a Hospital Chaplain with Pacific Health Ministries.  

I aspire to discuss, review, regale and explore through the blogging world just One day at a time, through this One life.  

I look forward to our journeys together.  

Peace